My Life as a Sitcom

It’s been a while since my last blog. So, at home alone on a Friday night, I thought I’d order some Thai, crack open some beers, and let my fingers to the typing. That last bit didn’t make sense, and I blame my fingers. They’ll be punished later tonight.

So what’s on the blog menu for tonight? Well the inspiration actually came to me last night as I was trying to sleep. I had a restless night. My nose was cold. My blankets were twisting. And my mind was racing at a million miles an hour (if it were possible to measure mind speed and distance). Here’s the topic for tonight: If I could surround myself with TV Sitcom characters, who would they be?

Firstly, a disclaimer: I know I’ve left out some pretty famous and inspirational characters, trust me, I know what I’m doing.  I love a traditional sitcom, the larger than life characters, the ‘never learn anything’ rule, and the fact that after every 22-minutes, the characters revert back to who they were at the start of the episode. It’s my kind of heaven. Predictable? Of course. Entertaining? Fanatically. So let’s dive straight into it!

Well first there’s going to be me. Tim. Think of me, and then just up my personality flaws/traits by about a thousand. Got a clear picture in your head? Great!

Now I’m going to need to live somewhere. I’m thinking an apartment. In the city. A couch and TV are the centrepiece. It’s obviously out of my price range, but that doesn’t matter, I don’t have a job anyway.

I’m going to need a roommate. This is where I start stealing characters, and my originality takes a nosedive into “Fifty Shades of Grey” territory (sorry, had to put a “Fifty Shades” joke in here somewhere). Back to my roommates. My choice is: Hawkeye from M*A*S*H*. I was actually leaning towards one of his bunkmates in Trapper or BJ (haha…. BJ), but I think Hawkeye would be better. He just seems like a really cool dude, and imagine the tail (girls) he would attract! Of course, if you were writing a character like Hawkeye today, you would probably have to make him a little less drunk and ‘rapey’. Watch some of the old episodes and you’ll know what I mean.

So it’s Hawkeye and me. We’re having fun. But we need an antagonist. Someone to ruin our fun. I’m actually tempted to go with Frank Burns from M*A*S*H* again, just because he was such a great character to play off Hawkeye. In the end it came down to Burns and Newman from Seinfeld…and I just think that you can’t go past old Ferret Face.

I’m going to need a family: mum, dad, and some siblings. I’ve got a whole bunch of TV dads to choose from, and my short-list runners up included: Frank Barone from ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’, Tim Taylor from ‘Home Improvement’, Dr. Jason Seaver (Alan Thicke) from ‘Growing Pains’, and Steven Keaton (Michael Gross) from ‘Family Ties’. But ultimately my choice for the perfect TV dad was Martin Crane (John Mahoney) from ‘Frasier’. He had it all: an ex-cop, a limp, a talented side-kick (Eddie the dog), a quick wit, and most important of all- a gold mine of knowledge and fantastic advice.

Now, on to the rest of the family. Martin Crane was actually a widower, but I’m going to give him Elyse Keaton (Meredith Baxter) from ‘Family Ties’ for a wife and my mum. She was caring, funny, and didn’t take shit from anyone. The rest of the family is going to be filled by Joanie Cunningham (Erin Moran from ‘Happy Days’), Balki (Bronson Pinchot from ‘Perfect Strangers’), and Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman from ‘Arrested Development’).

Now, what about people in my community? Well, my doctor of choice would be Dr. Cliff Huxtable (Bill Cosby) from ‘The Cosby Show’; my local would have to be Cheers (fully staffed of course!); a school headed by Gabe Kotter (Gabe Kaplan, ‘Welcome Back, Kotter’), and Charlie Moore (Howard Hessman, ‘Head of the Class’); and of course a police force led by Carl Winslow (Reginald VelJohnson, ‘Family Matters’).

Selecting my crazy neighbour proved to be quite difficult. I could have taken the easy way out and gone with Kramer from ‘Seinfeld’, or Steve Urkel from ‘Family Matters’, but in the end I just couldn’t go past Wilson Wilson from ‘Home Improvement’.

Finally I need a love interest. But I’m choosing to go the Seinfeld/Frasier route and basically have a new love interest every week. Maybe there’ll be some recurring characters, but we’ll see.

So here’s my cast of characters:

Me!

Hawkeye

Frank Burns

Martin Crane

Elyse Keaton

Joanie Cunningham

Balki Bartokomous

Michael Bluth

Dr. Cliff Huxtable

Gabe Kotter

Charlie More

Carl Winslow

Wilson Wilson

Note: I purposely left out cartoon characters (The Simpsons, Family Guy, etc…) because, let’s face it, who wouldn’t love to live inside a cartoon?

Sorry I didn’t have anything too deep and meaningful tonight. I’m sure there’ll be something better next time.

Take care, and [insert witty closing statement here].

Tim

My favourite all-time non-animated Sitcom, M*A*S*H*