How (and Why) I Nearly Quit Teaching

As many of you know, I was voluntarily made redundant a couple of months back. As part of the ABC's policy, I was offered two very nice options: the first was to take the very nice sum of money they offered me, on the condition that I could not be employed by the ABC (Shop or elsewhere) for twelve months. The second was to be redeployed to either another shop or somewhere else within the ABC, but I wouldn't be eligible to receive the payout. Either way, the ABC gave me eight paid weeks to think about it, during which HR would regularly meet with me to discuss my options and try and find me work within the ABC. For that alone, I have an unending love for 'Aunty'. 

This eight week period coincided with my mid-year teaching placement, and so for that period of time I actually felt like teaching was my job. During the school holidays, I met with my HR guru from the ABC, and told her about a little show I was involved in called Omega Team. She seemed to like the idea, and put me in touch with one of the lead drama producers within the ABC. I was explicitly told not to expect anything major to come out of it, but it was cool to finally 'break through' and meet someone important.

So, one day during the school holidays, I met with this lady producer for coffee in Elsternwick. I told her about the idea, and the dilemma we (the team behind Omega Team) were facing: we've got this show, and it's great, but Film Victoria don't want to talk to us because we're 'new writers', and we just need someone to back us. Anyone. She told me outright that the chances of anyone talking to us were slim, and that we needed an Australian 'celebrity' on board for anyone to take us seriously. She suggested Peter Helliar, John Clarke, or Laura Waters (as a producer), and told me all three were very approachable and willing to listen to new ideas (most of the time).  "I can do that." I thought. Then she dropped a bombshell.

She offered me something I did not expect. "Do you know Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries?" she asked. 

I nodded eagerly, "Of course. It's all we sold for the last few weeks at the ABC." 

"Well, I could possibly set you up with a job in the writers' room."

I was flabbergasted. "Yes." I think I replied, or some version of it.

"The only problem is..."

"Uni." 

She nodded and took a sip. "They need someone five days a week, and you'd just be photocopying scripts, making coffee, running around for the writers and producers."

"I'd do it. But I'm at uni. Is there any way I can do it part time?"

"No." she bluntly replied. "They really need someone full time for the next few months."

"I'll think about it."

So, obviously I didn't take the offer. And here's why:

1. Uni. I love teaching, it's something that I'm sure you've heard me say before. If I was in 1st year, there is no question about deferring or quitting for this opportunity. But I'm in 3rd year, and know that if I deferred uni, there is no way I'd go back.

2. I would miss out on the nice payout. As a teacher I'm unlikely to see that amount of money at once ever again.

3. It would only be for a couple of months. After which I wouldn't be guaranteed another job. At least I know (at least almost certain) that in a little over a year I'll be fully qualified teacher with a stable job. 

4. I love teaching and I love writing. But at this point in time, teaching comes first. 

I actually came damn close to calling it quits at uni, and possibly turning my back on teaching for ever. In fact, I hazard to say that if I wasn't in the middle of some fantastic teaching rounds at the time, I would most likely have quit. 

So, where does that leave me now?  Well....I'm still writing (both essays and creatively), and having a good time doing both. Time management isn't a strength of mine, but the dream of doing both successfully is something I'm willing to work hard for. 

What do you think?

My Life as a Sitcom

It’s been a while since my last blog. So, at home alone on a Friday night, I thought I’d order some Thai, crack open some beers, and let my fingers to the typing. That last bit didn’t make sense, and I blame my fingers. They’ll be punished later tonight.

So what’s on the blog menu for tonight? Well the inspiration actually came to me last night as I was trying to sleep. I had a restless night. My nose was cold. My blankets were twisting. And my mind was racing at a million miles an hour (if it were possible to measure mind speed and distance). Here’s the topic for tonight: If I could surround myself with TV Sitcom characters, who would they be?

Firstly, a disclaimer: I know I’ve left out some pretty famous and inspirational characters, trust me, I know what I’m doing.  I love a traditional sitcom, the larger than life characters, the ‘never learn anything’ rule, and the fact that after every 22-minutes, the characters revert back to who they were at the start of the episode. It’s my kind of heaven. Predictable? Of course. Entertaining? Fanatically. So let’s dive straight into it!

Well first there’s going to be me. Tim. Think of me, and then just up my personality flaws/traits by about a thousand. Got a clear picture in your head? Great!

Now I’m going to need to live somewhere. I’m thinking an apartment. In the city. A couch and TV are the centrepiece. It’s obviously out of my price range, but that doesn’t matter, I don’t have a job anyway.

I’m going to need a roommate. This is where I start stealing characters, and my originality takes a nosedive into “Fifty Shades of Grey” territory (sorry, had to put a “Fifty Shades” joke in here somewhere). Back to my roommates. My choice is: Hawkeye from M*A*S*H*. I was actually leaning towards one of his bunkmates in Trapper or BJ (haha…. BJ), but I think Hawkeye would be better. He just seems like a really cool dude, and imagine the tail (girls) he would attract! Of course, if you were writing a character like Hawkeye today, you would probably have to make him a little less drunk and ‘rapey’. Watch some of the old episodes and you’ll know what I mean.

So it’s Hawkeye and me. We’re having fun. But we need an antagonist. Someone to ruin our fun. I’m actually tempted to go with Frank Burns from M*A*S*H* again, just because he was such a great character to play off Hawkeye. In the end it came down to Burns and Newman from Seinfeld…and I just think that you can’t go past old Ferret Face.

I’m going to need a family: mum, dad, and some siblings. I’ve got a whole bunch of TV dads to choose from, and my short-list runners up included: Frank Barone from ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’, Tim Taylor from ‘Home Improvement’, Dr. Jason Seaver (Alan Thicke) from ‘Growing Pains’, and Steven Keaton (Michael Gross) from ‘Family Ties’. But ultimately my choice for the perfect TV dad was Martin Crane (John Mahoney) from ‘Frasier’. He had it all: an ex-cop, a limp, a talented side-kick (Eddie the dog), a quick wit, and most important of all- a gold mine of knowledge and fantastic advice.

Now, on to the rest of the family. Martin Crane was actually a widower, but I’m going to give him Elyse Keaton (Meredith Baxter) from ‘Family Ties’ for a wife and my mum. She was caring, funny, and didn’t take shit from anyone. The rest of the family is going to be filled by Joanie Cunningham (Erin Moran from ‘Happy Days’), Balki (Bronson Pinchot from ‘Perfect Strangers’), and Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman from ‘Arrested Development’).

Now, what about people in my community? Well, my doctor of choice would be Dr. Cliff Huxtable (Bill Cosby) from ‘The Cosby Show’; my local would have to be Cheers (fully staffed of course!); a school headed by Gabe Kotter (Gabe Kaplan, ‘Welcome Back, Kotter’), and Charlie Moore (Howard Hessman, ‘Head of the Class’); and of course a police force led by Carl Winslow (Reginald VelJohnson, ‘Family Matters’).

Selecting my crazy neighbour proved to be quite difficult. I could have taken the easy way out and gone with Kramer from ‘Seinfeld’, or Steve Urkel from ‘Family Matters’, but in the end I just couldn’t go past Wilson Wilson from ‘Home Improvement’.

Finally I need a love interest. But I’m choosing to go the Seinfeld/Frasier route and basically have a new love interest every week. Maybe there’ll be some recurring characters, but we’ll see.

So here’s my cast of characters:

Me!

Hawkeye

Frank Burns

Martin Crane

Elyse Keaton

Joanie Cunningham

Balki Bartokomous

Michael Bluth

Dr. Cliff Huxtable

Gabe Kotter

Charlie More

Carl Winslow

Wilson Wilson

Note: I purposely left out cartoon characters (The Simpsons, Family Guy, etc…) because, let’s face it, who wouldn’t love to live inside a cartoon?

Sorry I didn’t have anything too deep and meaningful tonight. I’m sure there’ll be something better next time.

Take care, and [insert witty closing statement here].

Tim

My favourite all-time non-animated Sitcom, M*A*S*H* 

I'm Back, Baby! 

 So it's been a solid five months since our last adventure together. I won't apologise- we can argue about who forgot to write whose blog until the cows come home. And really, where does that saying come from? Why were cows straying so far from home? It saddens me that the human race used to live in a world where they had to await the arrival of their bovine companions.

So what's this blog going to be about? I have no idea. I got extremely drunk on the weekend (celebrated by my very first alcohol-related vomit on Punt Road. I still say it was warranted, given the state of traffic on that God-awful road). And, true to my style which is mine, the days following my alcohol fueled adventure, I have become very reflective and deep. This is a good place, writing-wise, to be. But a terrible place to be everywhere else. Don't worry, I'm not going to go all emo on you. I'm happy. I'm content. Just reflective and deep.

I've also been listening to Queen- it amazes me how fantastic they are, and saddens me that people like the music of today. Yes, I'm over 30 now, I have the RIGHT- NO, THE PRIVILEGE- to say that. There isn't a Queen song I don't like, but one in particular sticks with me: "Friends Will Be Friends". I love that song, not just for the music and vocals, but for the lyrics. It's up there with Mufasa's death in terms of spine chilling raw emotion. Get onto it if you haven't already.

Without going into too much detail (I'm actually not allowed to), in the last couple of weeks I've been given a life-changing choice: basically it comes down to taking the money, or the job. Money is great. I love money. And it's a solid amount, probably more than I'll ever see in one lump some again. But the job could potentially be good, life-changing good. Maybe not life-changing now, but some day down the track. I'm bothered by this decision a great deal. It's one of those adult type decisions I don't feel I'm qualified to make, but obviously I need an answer. I'll keep you posted on details and such as I'm allowed to. Ask me (in private) for more details!

I like Spiderman Memes. Go do a Google Image Search for 'Spiderman Meme'. This has kept me (and my uni pals) entertained all semester. You will also be entertained too! I've included one at the bottom of the blog free of charge!

Still looking for a girlfriend- submit your applications directly to me. Thought I'd just slip that in (that's what he said!).

Next order of business? Conclusion? I don't know. How are you? Sorry, I should've asked you earlier, but this is MY FUCKING BLOG. Again, sorry, I didn't mean to swear. Have a seat and a nice cuppa. Let's talk like we used to. In fact, that can be the moral of today's blog: LET'S TALK. Seriously, call me, and we can just talk. No one talks anymore. Well, maybe they do, but listening skills have really dropped off in recent times. Talking is a two-way process: sometimes the best thing you can do is just sit there, listen, and nod your head. That's the best kind of talking you can do.

Until next time, happy stuff and things!

 Tim

Turning Points and Retro Stuff

I'm going to be honest: all my best ideas come to me in bed or in the shower. So it's no surprise that the following blog started out as a seed of an idea late one night as I was lying in bed, and blossomed whilst I was in the shower this morning. This is the result. As usual, very little editing has been done of this to keep it 'real'. (As opposed to those pesky fake blog articles).

2012. We're well into the 2010s. And so I thought, since 1999, what's changed? With me, specifically. And I got to writing a list of stuff. Mainly because I like lists and writing them is the best thing to do when confronted with one. I handpicked a few 'turning points' of my life, and then started wondering what would've happened if things were different. So I guess this is kind of a 'What if...' episode that while it's fun and 'cooky', doesn't actually build on character development or relationships. Enjoy!

1999

Pros: I'm in year 12! I'm surrounded by the best friends I'll ever have! I enjoy school (for the most part). I live a relatively sheltered life from outside influences. The whole 'terrorist' thing has yet to grip the world.

Cons: School's a bit of a shit. The right combination of bullies and a general feeling of not knowing what to do haunts me. VCE has me confused: why do my teachers keep saying that my whole future depends on how well I perform at school this year??? In fact, I see school as a bit of a waste of time.

The actual results: An remarkably average TER score (somewhere in the low-70s). I manage to scrape into an TAFE IT degree, even though I'm not really that 'into' it. During Summer holidays, my school rings me up and tells me they want me back as part of their 'IT Traineeship' program. I accept. I realise that even those kids you got 99.97 won't have a full time job for probably another 7 years while they finish their medical/law degrees. Most important lesson learned: VCE results don't mean shit.

What if...: I actually stand up to the bullies. I had a red-belt in Taekwon-do at that stage. I can easily break boards with my fists, elbows, and feet. Maybe I should break a few noses. This leads me to be suspended/expelled, and I fall into a life of crime and a seedy underworld of drugs, booze, and loose women. I become the new influence for the Unberbelly series nearly one decade later...

2000

Pros: New millenium! New job! Don't have to study. I have money for the first time ever. It appears that the apocalypse was put on hold until 2012.

Cons: The Y2K bug was a massive flop. I'm working 5 days a week in the same place I completed my VCE only months ago.

Results: I can buy stuff and call it my own. I learn what it's like to have a full time job.

What if...: I don't accept the school's offer. I end up stuck in an IT degree that I don't really enjoy, but decide to complete anyway because "it's something to do...". End up working for some dodgy firm in a helpdesk role.


2004

Pros: Finished my IT Degree! The world is at my feet. Hey, I have a talent for writing...

Cons: What the hell do I do now? I hate IT. The last thing I want to do is work in it 5 days a week.

Results: I'm jobless and sitting at home most of the day. It's actually pretty cool. I begin doing some creative writing to get my mind working. It's actually pretty fun. Hey, maybe I should enrol in a shortcourse to see what happens. What's that? You want me for the RMIT Professional Screenwriting course? Of course I'll accept! I'M GOING TO BE A SCREENWRITER!

What if...: I don't do that screenwriting shortcourse. I put my love of screenwriting on the shelf next to my rollerblades, electric keyboard, and POG collection. I get a mindless job, and get stuck there until I'm 40, after which I'm fired.

2005-2007

Pros: I'm at TAFE again, but this time studying screenwriting! New friends. I'm nurturing my creative talent, and having fun! I feel I've found my calling.

Cons: Still mostly jobless. I realise fully what the saying "All girls are bitches" truly means.

Results: Loving life. Visions/delusions of grandeur infiltrate my mind. Get a job working in the ABC Shop. Excellent news!

What if...: I honestly can't think of any 'what if' scenarios here. I did pretty much everything the way I would've. Good work.

2009

Pros: I go to Germany for 6 weeks! Working full time. Apply and get accepted into university.

Cons: Still living at home. Starting to feel like my time to change stuff is running out.

Results: Fantastic year. Travelled, worked, got accepted into university. Things are looking up!

What if...: I decide not to travel, and 'settle' into a comfortable but mindless retail job. Yuck. I don't even want to think about it.

2010

Pros: Finally at university! Awesome new friends. Finally move out and living with my best mate.

Cons: I realise how expensive living out of home is, and take a vow of poverty.

Results: Quite possibly the craziest and best year of my life. Uni peeps are amazing. Loving university life, and life outside home. Again, have the feeling that this is what I'm meant to be doing.

What if...: I don't go to uni. I miss out on meeting fantastic new friends, most of which I can't imagine my life without now. I remain working full time in retail, eventually dying alone surrounded by cats who eventually feast on my rotting corpse.


Hmm. That's a good place to end it.

I'm not going to write a conclusion. You can work that bit out for yourself.

Peace.