My Life as a Sitcom

It’s been a while since my last blog. So, at home alone on a Friday night, I thought I’d order some Thai, crack open some beers, and let my fingers to the typing. That last bit didn’t make sense, and I blame my fingers. They’ll be punished later tonight.

So what’s on the blog menu for tonight? Well the inspiration actually came to me last night as I was trying to sleep. I had a restless night. My nose was cold. My blankets were twisting. And my mind was racing at a million miles an hour (if it were possible to measure mind speed and distance). Here’s the topic for tonight: If I could surround myself with TV Sitcom characters, who would they be?

Firstly, a disclaimer: I know I’ve left out some pretty famous and inspirational characters, trust me, I know what I’m doing.  I love a traditional sitcom, the larger than life characters, the ‘never learn anything’ rule, and the fact that after every 22-minutes, the characters revert back to who they were at the start of the episode. It’s my kind of heaven. Predictable? Of course. Entertaining? Fanatically. So let’s dive straight into it!

Well first there’s going to be me. Tim. Think of me, and then just up my personality flaws/traits by about a thousand. Got a clear picture in your head? Great!

Now I’m going to need to live somewhere. I’m thinking an apartment. In the city. A couch and TV are the centrepiece. It’s obviously out of my price range, but that doesn’t matter, I don’t have a job anyway.

I’m going to need a roommate. This is where I start stealing characters, and my originality takes a nosedive into “Fifty Shades of Grey” territory (sorry, had to put a “Fifty Shades” joke in here somewhere). Back to my roommates. My choice is: Hawkeye from M*A*S*H*. I was actually leaning towards one of his bunkmates in Trapper or BJ (haha…. BJ), but I think Hawkeye would be better. He just seems like a really cool dude, and imagine the tail (girls) he would attract! Of course, if you were writing a character like Hawkeye today, you would probably have to make him a little less drunk and ‘rapey’. Watch some of the old episodes and you’ll know what I mean.

So it’s Hawkeye and me. We’re having fun. But we need an antagonist. Someone to ruin our fun. I’m actually tempted to go with Frank Burns from M*A*S*H* again, just because he was such a great character to play off Hawkeye. In the end it came down to Burns and Newman from Seinfeld…and I just think that you can’t go past old Ferret Face.

I’m going to need a family: mum, dad, and some siblings. I’ve got a whole bunch of TV dads to choose from, and my short-list runners up included: Frank Barone from ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’, Tim Taylor from ‘Home Improvement’, Dr. Jason Seaver (Alan Thicke) from ‘Growing Pains’, and Steven Keaton (Michael Gross) from ‘Family Ties’. But ultimately my choice for the perfect TV dad was Martin Crane (John Mahoney) from ‘Frasier’. He had it all: an ex-cop, a limp, a talented side-kick (Eddie the dog), a quick wit, and most important of all- a gold mine of knowledge and fantastic advice.

Now, on to the rest of the family. Martin Crane was actually a widower, but I’m going to give him Elyse Keaton (Meredith Baxter) from ‘Family Ties’ for a wife and my mum. She was caring, funny, and didn’t take shit from anyone. The rest of the family is going to be filled by Joanie Cunningham (Erin Moran from ‘Happy Days’), Balki (Bronson Pinchot from ‘Perfect Strangers’), and Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman from ‘Arrested Development’).

Now, what about people in my community? Well, my doctor of choice would be Dr. Cliff Huxtable (Bill Cosby) from ‘The Cosby Show’; my local would have to be Cheers (fully staffed of course!); a school headed by Gabe Kotter (Gabe Kaplan, ‘Welcome Back, Kotter’), and Charlie Moore (Howard Hessman, ‘Head of the Class’); and of course a police force led by Carl Winslow (Reginald VelJohnson, ‘Family Matters’).

Selecting my crazy neighbour proved to be quite difficult. I could have taken the easy way out and gone with Kramer from ‘Seinfeld’, or Steve Urkel from ‘Family Matters’, but in the end I just couldn’t go past Wilson Wilson from ‘Home Improvement’.

Finally I need a love interest. But I’m choosing to go the Seinfeld/Frasier route and basically have a new love interest every week. Maybe there’ll be some recurring characters, but we’ll see.

So here’s my cast of characters:

Me!

Hawkeye

Frank Burns

Martin Crane

Elyse Keaton

Joanie Cunningham

Balki Bartokomous

Michael Bluth

Dr. Cliff Huxtable

Gabe Kotter

Charlie More

Carl Winslow

Wilson Wilson

Note: I purposely left out cartoon characters (The Simpsons, Family Guy, etc…) because, let’s face it, who wouldn’t love to live inside a cartoon?

Sorry I didn’t have anything too deep and meaningful tonight. I’m sure there’ll be something better next time.

Take care, and [insert witty closing statement here].

Tim

My favourite all-time non-animated Sitcom, M*A*S*H* 

I'm Back, Baby! 

 So it's been a solid five months since our last adventure together. I won't apologise- we can argue about who forgot to write whose blog until the cows come home. And really, where does that saying come from? Why were cows straying so far from home? It saddens me that the human race used to live in a world where they had to await the arrival of their bovine companions.

So what's this blog going to be about? I have no idea. I got extremely drunk on the weekend (celebrated by my very first alcohol-related vomit on Punt Road. I still say it was warranted, given the state of traffic on that God-awful road). And, true to my style which is mine, the days following my alcohol fueled adventure, I have become very reflective and deep. This is a good place, writing-wise, to be. But a terrible place to be everywhere else. Don't worry, I'm not going to go all emo on you. I'm happy. I'm content. Just reflective and deep.

I've also been listening to Queen- it amazes me how fantastic they are, and saddens me that people like the music of today. Yes, I'm over 30 now, I have the RIGHT- NO, THE PRIVILEGE- to say that. There isn't a Queen song I don't like, but one in particular sticks with me: "Friends Will Be Friends". I love that song, not just for the music and vocals, but for the lyrics. It's up there with Mufasa's death in terms of spine chilling raw emotion. Get onto it if you haven't already.

Without going into too much detail (I'm actually not allowed to), in the last couple of weeks I've been given a life-changing choice: basically it comes down to taking the money, or the job. Money is great. I love money. And it's a solid amount, probably more than I'll ever see in one lump some again. But the job could potentially be good, life-changing good. Maybe not life-changing now, but some day down the track. I'm bothered by this decision a great deal. It's one of those adult type decisions I don't feel I'm qualified to make, but obviously I need an answer. I'll keep you posted on details and such as I'm allowed to. Ask me (in private) for more details!

I like Spiderman Memes. Go do a Google Image Search for 'Spiderman Meme'. This has kept me (and my uni pals) entertained all semester. You will also be entertained too! I've included one at the bottom of the blog free of charge!

Still looking for a girlfriend- submit your applications directly to me. Thought I'd just slip that in (that's what he said!).

Next order of business? Conclusion? I don't know. How are you? Sorry, I should've asked you earlier, but this is MY FUCKING BLOG. Again, sorry, I didn't mean to swear. Have a seat and a nice cuppa. Let's talk like we used to. In fact, that can be the moral of today's blog: LET'S TALK. Seriously, call me, and we can just talk. No one talks anymore. Well, maybe they do, but listening skills have really dropped off in recent times. Talking is a two-way process: sometimes the best thing you can do is just sit there, listen, and nod your head. That's the best kind of talking you can do.

Until next time, happy stuff and things!

 Tim

Turning Points and Retro Stuff

I'm going to be honest: all my best ideas come to me in bed or in the shower. So it's no surprise that the following blog started out as a seed of an idea late one night as I was lying in bed, and blossomed whilst I was in the shower this morning. This is the result. As usual, very little editing has been done of this to keep it 'real'. (As opposed to those pesky fake blog articles).

2012. We're well into the 2010s. And so I thought, since 1999, what's changed? With me, specifically. And I got to writing a list of stuff. Mainly because I like lists and writing them is the best thing to do when confronted with one. I handpicked a few 'turning points' of my life, and then started wondering what would've happened if things were different. So I guess this is kind of a 'What if...' episode that while it's fun and 'cooky', doesn't actually build on character development or relationships. Enjoy!

1999

Pros: I'm in year 12! I'm surrounded by the best friends I'll ever have! I enjoy school (for the most part). I live a relatively sheltered life from outside influences. The whole 'terrorist' thing has yet to grip the world.

Cons: School's a bit of a shit. The right combination of bullies and a general feeling of not knowing what to do haunts me. VCE has me confused: why do my teachers keep saying that my whole future depends on how well I perform at school this year??? In fact, I see school as a bit of a waste of time.

The actual results: An remarkably average TER score (somewhere in the low-70s). I manage to scrape into an TAFE IT degree, even though I'm not really that 'into' it. During Summer holidays, my school rings me up and tells me they want me back as part of their 'IT Traineeship' program. I accept. I realise that even those kids you got 99.97 won't have a full time job for probably another 7 years while they finish their medical/law degrees. Most important lesson learned: VCE results don't mean shit.

What if...: I actually stand up to the bullies. I had a red-belt in Taekwon-do at that stage. I can easily break boards with my fists, elbows, and feet. Maybe I should break a few noses. This leads me to be suspended/expelled, and I fall into a life of crime and a seedy underworld of drugs, booze, and loose women. I become the new influence for the Unberbelly series nearly one decade later...

2000

Pros: New millenium! New job! Don't have to study. I have money for the first time ever. It appears that the apocalypse was put on hold until 2012.

Cons: The Y2K bug was a massive flop. I'm working 5 days a week in the same place I completed my VCE only months ago.

Results: I can buy stuff and call it my own. I learn what it's like to have a full time job.

What if...: I don't accept the school's offer. I end up stuck in an IT degree that I don't really enjoy, but decide to complete anyway because "it's something to do...". End up working for some dodgy firm in a helpdesk role.


2004

Pros: Finished my IT Degree! The world is at my feet. Hey, I have a talent for writing...

Cons: What the hell do I do now? I hate IT. The last thing I want to do is work in it 5 days a week.

Results: I'm jobless and sitting at home most of the day. It's actually pretty cool. I begin doing some creative writing to get my mind working. It's actually pretty fun. Hey, maybe I should enrol in a shortcourse to see what happens. What's that? You want me for the RMIT Professional Screenwriting course? Of course I'll accept! I'M GOING TO BE A SCREENWRITER!

What if...: I don't do that screenwriting shortcourse. I put my love of screenwriting on the shelf next to my rollerblades, electric keyboard, and POG collection. I get a mindless job, and get stuck there until I'm 40, after which I'm fired.

2005-2007

Pros: I'm at TAFE again, but this time studying screenwriting! New friends. I'm nurturing my creative talent, and having fun! I feel I've found my calling.

Cons: Still mostly jobless. I realise fully what the saying "All girls are bitches" truly means.

Results: Loving life. Visions/delusions of grandeur infiltrate my mind. Get a job working in the ABC Shop. Excellent news!

What if...: I honestly can't think of any 'what if' scenarios here. I did pretty much everything the way I would've. Good work.

2009

Pros: I go to Germany for 6 weeks! Working full time. Apply and get accepted into university.

Cons: Still living at home. Starting to feel like my time to change stuff is running out.

Results: Fantastic year. Travelled, worked, got accepted into university. Things are looking up!

What if...: I decide not to travel, and 'settle' into a comfortable but mindless retail job. Yuck. I don't even want to think about it.

2010

Pros: Finally at university! Awesome new friends. Finally move out and living with my best mate.

Cons: I realise how expensive living out of home is, and take a vow of poverty.

Results: Quite possibly the craziest and best year of my life. Uni peeps are amazing. Loving university life, and life outside home. Again, have the feeling that this is what I'm meant to be doing.

What if...: I don't go to uni. I miss out on meeting fantastic new friends, most of which I can't imagine my life without now. I remain working full time in retail, eventually dying alone surrounded by cats who eventually feast on my rotting corpse.


Hmm. That's a good place to end it.

I'm not going to write a conclusion. You can work that bit out for yourself.

Peace.

Don't regret those things you regret not doing.

Someone once said, “You should never regret the things you do. Only regret the things you don’t do.” I don’t know who actually is quoted as saying that, but it’s one of those sayings that has stuck in my head. And it’s pure bullshit. I liken it to that other saying, “Live every day as if it’s your last.” Sure, the intention is there, but you can’t really apply it to every day life. For those people that do take these two quotes seriously, try this one on for size: “Everyone really should put their face into a blender at least once in their life.” Go ahead, I guarantee it’ll be a life changing experience.

But back to the topic at hand. One of the problems I have with the ‘regret’ quote is that it doesn’t really mean anything. It has good intentions, telling the reader/listener/stooge that you should basically try everything once, and even if it goes poorly you shouldn’t regret it. But what about Johnny the Murderer, does he regret killing his mum in the bath with a toaster? Maybe he doesn’t regret not killing her? Or what about Susie who was caught going 150kmph in a 40 school zone. I bet she regrets NOT going 40. So it kind of works if you twist the logic around and make it fit.

Now, about me. I can’t really say I have any huge regrets. Sure, there are times when I wished I had said something sooner, or done something, or NOT said anything at all. But very few of those moments weigh down on my conscience and stop me from living my mundane every day life. My biggest downfall as a human being (sounds serious!), is not being able to tell those closest to me how I feel. I guess it’s all very psychological and there’s some part of my brain that has a terrible fear of rejection, to the point that I’ll just ‘go along’ with everything without saying anything at all. Or I’m a big chicken. I like to think it’s a combination of both, and that my actions say more than words ever could (how poetic). But nice words are awesome.

So, next time you see me –in the flesh, NOT on Facebook- we can have a chat! Or not, if that kind of stuff scares you. We can be scared together.

If you’re wondering what kind of ‘motto’ I live by, well, I can’t really say. But one that has always stuck in my head was said by Hillel the Elder, a Jewish religious leader from 100BC. “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” That last bit is awesome. (I have included a rare photo of Hillel the Elder below).

Until next time, keep watching the ski(e)s.



Below: Hillel the Elder.

Haiku!

Here's some Haiku I wrote today in Creative Writing. It was 8am on a Monday :)

1.
My heart is empty
Like a dried up river bed
Waiting for the rain.

2.
The fog of Winter
Covers all the worlds beauty.
Soon the Sun will rise.

3.
How to put on clothes:
Shirt, pants, scarf, gloves, jumper.
Oh no! It's Summer!


My attempt at Tanka isn't worth posting. And don't get me started on Clerihew and Double Dactyls!

Where Have All The Holidays Gone?

“Where have all the holidays gone?”

I’m sitting on my couch, my MacBook perched neatly on my lap, my belly full of chicken schnitzel, and my television set to “OFF” after I nearly caught myself watching ‘My Strange Addiction’ (tonight’s episode featured a girl who couldn’t stop buying shoes, and another who couldn’t stop eating her hair follicles). Riveting viewing for those people who have the mental capacity of a shoehorn.

Facebook ™ is alive with my fellow ACU’ers coming to grips that on Monday morning at 8am, we’ll all be back for a twelve-week semester. Booklists are being read and priced, lecturers are being judged, and pub sessions are being planned (well, they SHOULD be!). But with holidays now just a mere 13 weeks away, my mind casts back to the past ten weeks. What have I been up to? Where did I go? And how did I get here (or there, depending on where I am now and where I began)? Stupid questions really, and I know the answers to all of them.

Casting my mind back to sometime in…May…? I think that’s when the holidays started. There was an exam on 19^th Century Literature one day. I think I did well. I wrote on Frankenstein and Dracula, and how they related to science and technology. Maybe, I can’t really remember. The important thing is that I was there and I passed. Hot chocolate followed, I definitely remember that. We crammed into some chocolate place in Melbourne Central…there were pancakes and strawberries involved. But Goddamn, that hot chocolate was good.

Oh, now I remember. Camp was the next day! That was a lot of fun. I don’t think I slept for 4 days, and apparently I had ‘crazy eyes’ (probably not the best personalised description about a leader on a kids camp), but that didn’t stop the kids jumping all over me and singing endless songs about gibberish. Who knew entertaining kids would be so fun and easy…yet so very tiring. After the second day I hit the wall and from then on everything went kind of fuzzy. Fun times, and YES, I’m going back! 

A trip over to New Zealand followed (read/see all about it on my previous blog post), which was totally amazing (“totes amaze”?). Written words can’t express my joyous feelings about New Zealand, so next time we meet up, lend me your ear(s) and I’ll talk them off.

There was work throughout (but I won’t talk about the ABC on a public forum). Ask me about it after I’ve had a Scotch or two.  Murdoch’s empire is on the brink of collapse, but that has little to do with me. I’ll wait for South Park or The Simpsons to do a parody before I pass judgement.

Movies? Haven’t seen any for a while. Still waiting to see Harry Potter, it’s getting to the point where everyone is talking about it and it’s getting hard to avoid the banter. Captain America looks entertaining; it has Tommy Lee Jones in it, which makes me want to see it. Green Lantern? Meh, doesn’t do anything for me, and the trailer leaves me confused. Hell, if you can’t summarise a film in two minutes, you got problems. Plus Ryan Reynolds will always be that skinny nerdy guy from Two Guys and a Girl.

And so here I sit. Writing about nothing in particular. If you’re still here, great! If not, then go fuck yourself. It’s ok, you won’t read this. So where have all the holidays gone? Well it’s a stupid question, like asking ‘where did yesterday go’? Yesterday didn’t go anywhere. It’s stationary. The man made construct of time passed it by and now we have today. So the holidays haven’t gone anywhere. I’ve moved (physically and through time), and the holidays have been discarded and forgotten like a newborn ginger baby in a dumpster behind a hospital.

I’ll try and write more stuff between now and whenever. Hopefully with some good writing that’s useful and entertaining. I feel like I’ve added to the crap pile of the Internet blogsphere, but hey, at least it’ll be buried beneath all the other crap that people think is so important that everyone else must read it. I don’t have any of those ‘holier than thou’ writers’ hang-ups. I’m not trying to change the world, or impose my ‘art’ on to you. I write because I like it and it’s fun. And hopefully one day someone will pay me for it.

Take care, and see you wherever.

Tim 

Ancient Rome and Middle Earth

Hey hey it's been a while! I'm not apologising for my laziness. I'm on uni holidays and after a hard 12 week semester, I deserved a rest. Maybe not. But I'm lazy anyway.

I spent 5 days visiting my mate Liam in Auckland. As you probably know, he's a thespian who has just been cast in the title role in the new series of Spartacus. Well done! As part of the whole deal, I got to spend a couple of days on set with him. Unfortunately cameras/recording devices were not allowed, so I don't actually have any photos. And I'm not allowed to speak of anything I saw on the set (well, anything that could be construed as a 'spoiler'). However, the producers did fail to wipe my memory, so I have drawn a pretty good picture of what it was like on set.

Speaking of Hobbits, I also visited Hobbiton (or the Peter Jackson version of it anyway). I did take photos, but can't show them publicly. Once again, I have created some images using my extensive artistic skills to recreate my experience amongst the land of the Hobbits.

Enjoy!

 The above image is me and Gandalf outside Bag End.

 This image is of Bilbo's Party Tree.

Taken directly from the set of Spartacus.

I'll be back soon for more writings. There will probably be something more creative than this. I guarantee it.